A self evaluation of the pretentious things I will say to you in a conversation

1. I like the construct of that sentence
I’m paying attention to what you are saying but also marveling at your ability to cobble together elegant sentences. Unfortunately, I pick this weird way of saying what I’m thinking.
Evaluation: I can’t tell if this is pretentious or not, though I can understand why it could be considered so.

2. I really like this South American tea called Mate
I really do like it. I have an experimental tongue. I like different types of tea. Sometimes I need to say it out loud because I love it so much!
Evaluation: Guilty – This is very pretentious! I sound like I want you to appreciate the fact that I have tried rare things.

3. You should hear what Slavoj Zizek has to say about this
In the days of the Zizek–Lady Gaga friendship quoting Zizek has become a humourous thing to do. However just a few months ago it was seen as an introduction to your philosophical ideas.
Evaluation: Zizek used to be funny because of what he said, now he’s funny for just being Zizek. I have no regrets, pretentious or not, for trying to introduce him in conversation.

4. Have you ever read The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Ok I love this book and want to talk about it all the time. My teenage self was similarly fixated on Great Expectations in a similar way. I like this book so much that I even bought a book called The Unbearable Lightness of Being in Aberystwyth (which will probably turn out to be a good buy).
Verdict: I guess it’s pretentious. Not because I love the book but because I behave like life depends on everyone reading it!

5. You mean “uninterested”?
Yes, I happen to know that disinterested and uninterested does not mean the same thing.
Verdict: This is so pretentious my children too should be pretentious because I know this. However, disinterested has a specific meaning and must be preserved because of that.

6. When I lived in London…
I love London. I have never lived life like I lived in London. I met cool people, went to cool places, did cool things, and spoke of Bombay lovingly.
Verdict: London is a great city and to tell people about it sounds like a way of saying I’ve been there and you haven’t so suck it up! PRETENTIOUS!!!

7.  Have you been rock climbing?
I love rock climbing. I’m not very good at it, but I love it plus it helped me get over my fear of heights. I keep asking people if they have been rock climbing so that if they haven’t I can tell them that they should.
Verdict: It sounds more like “I WENT ROCK CLIMBING AND YOU DID NOT”. Heavily pretentious but not so bad either.

8. This is the second best pizza topping I have ever had.
This one is pretty bad isn’t it.
Verdict: No contest!

9. I’m going to make a post on my blog self evaluating how pretentious I am
hmm

The contents of articles published by expats on their time in India

In recent years more expats than ever before work in India. This is the result of India opening up her economy to the mercy of both the WTO and the corporate world. Naturally, newspapers overseas have developed an increasing interest in the country and returning expats are very obliging in writing about their unique experiences here, except, well they all stick to the same formula. Below is a list of contents you can expect to find in the next article written by an expat returning home.

1. References to foreign brands you didn’t expect to see in traditional India: McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, Mercedes-Benz, Honda, etc.

2. Arranged marriages between educated, independent Indians.

3. Awesome vegetarian food.

4. Hinduism.

5. Terrifying rickshaw rides and how the Indians seem to take these in their stride.

6. Call centers (not centres because we all want to be American!).

7. Accent and culture training at call centers.

8. A blend of modernism and tradition.

9. Extreme superstition.

10. Quote Americanised Indians slating India: “This is India man, everyone is corrupt, only money talks”.

11. Quote an Indian slating the West: “In the west you have progress but you lack spirituality, you need both for true progress”

12. Mention watching a Bollywood movie, call it colourful (colorful), vibrant, and truly Indian.

13. Most people still live at their parents (family) home.

Note: When we Indian’s travel abroad of course we come back with our own petty biases that I hope someone writes a post on, I am just too lazy for lists!

On being stalked by Mobile Service Providers on Twitter

I have finally found my self tied-up in that unnecessary online experience they call Twitter (@rahuldsouza) – and I am enjoying every minute of it. Everyone on Twitter seems compelled to tweet anything and everything (like my blog!). So there were no surprises when I decided to tweet the following two days ago (or so I thought!):

The fact that I lose internet near the #vodafone showroom in #Bandra can’t help their image I guess [sorry for the bad punctuation: 140 characters and hashtags will kill the comma]

The next morning I followed it up with the following tweet:

My phone Internet kills my #android experience. Can you hear me #vodafone?

Now many months ago a friend had posted some anti-vodafone stuff on her Facebook profile and they contacted her to find out what her exact complaint was, so I should not be surprised at what followed, but it still stupefied me:

VodafoneIN
@rahuldsouza Sorry for the inconvenience. Pls send us your no. via DM, we’ll get in touch with you soon to address your concern.

A friend (@kennethhopkins) then decided to warn me that all the Vodafone people will do is to offer me their uber expensive 3G service. He then recommended Aircel Mumbai (Twitter handle @aircel_mumbai) to me as an alternative. So obviously I tweeted:

Should I port and switch to #aircel? Opinions please

I received a reply almost immediately:

Aircel_India
@rahuldsouza Dear customer, we will be delighted to have as part of our network.

Even though the sentence makes little sense I liked the tone. I checked out their website and found that it would bring my bills down to 1/3rd of what I currently pay, so goodbye vodafone and hello aircel!

Note: I know this isn’t really stalking, but no one has ever come after my custom like this and so I want to keep this delusion alive. Is this capitalism?

Note 2: Yesterday I replied to a tweet saying “I am saving up for a Macbook Pro” and I received the following tweet:

LoretaThixton91
@rahuldsouza Get a Macbook- On Us! Details Inside! [I have edited out the url to protect my readers]

Chetan Bhagat: Other Criticisms

I have never really paid too much attention to Chetan Bhagat (CB) until my previous post. Till then he was just a mediocre author who happened to be a minor celebrity on Twitter. However, the events of yesterday helped uncover several unseemly instances where he has exposed himself as a bit of a tool.

1. On English Teachers

A little while ago he was alleged to have tweeted the following,

Good grammar doesn’t make you a good writer. A good heart does. Else English teachers would be writing bestsellers.

Now I have no proof that he actually tweeted this as he deleted this particular CB gem (what else can I call it?) but I have no doubt that it is authentic. This tweet is so irritating it makes my teeth itch. Surprisingly conspiracy theorist Dan Brown was an English teacher (Am I the only one who finds this shocking?) and has definitely sold more books than CB over here, so match that CB. For all those who protest, Chetan Bhagat publishes in English and must be compared to all writers who publish in English.

2. On Baba Ramdev

As if The Times of India is not irritating enough they have a column by CB in their editorial section where he spews his “pearls of wisdom” at anyone who dares read it. His column on 18 June 2011 was entitled “The Baba who blew it” where Chetan Bhagat chides Baba Ramdev for his protest and escape in New Delhi. So far so good. CB then goes on to spew the following gem           

A few weeks ago, Baba Ramdev (henceforth referred to as Baba, given his dominant position in the Indian Baba industry) was a likeable man. His recent volatile moods apart, Baba is funny, articulate, teaches yoga, is a rooted Indian and immensely entertaining.

Now Baba Ramdev is definitely not a likeable man. As CB rightfully points out later in the article Baba claims that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured (henceforth linking him with the lunatic, extremely unlikable American religious right). Let’s not forget that this man also claims to be able to cure AIDS with Yoga and Ayurvedic medicine!

3. Symbiosis Speech

CB is alleged to have given to this speech at Symbiosis in Pune. The speech reeks of a man who has made too much money too quickly. His advice sounds unoriginal and may just be a poor cousin of the fabled Baz Luhrmann “Wear Sunscreen” recording.

4. World-class politicians

Now Jairam Ramesh has his flaws but is entitled to his opinion. Similarly CB too is entitled to his own opinion. So when Jairam Ramesh said that IIT and IIM faculty is not “World-Class” our dear CB (an IIT and IIM alumni) replied saying “Before Jairam Ramesh talks about IIT/IIM faculty being world-class , he should comment if our politicians are world class.”

Well CB before you go making insinuations of whether our politicians are world-class (what is a world-class politician anyway?) you should comment on whether your books are world-class (I would have said Indian English authors but that would be a disservice to Amitav Ghosh, Rohinton Mistry and the like who are great authors).

Ok I’m done.

Chetan Bhagat, Coke, and Nude Painting in India

The Indian Twitter community exploded when novelist Chetan Bhagat tweeted the following as a father’s day greeting,

The Twitter community can be unforgiving and this atrocious tweet got its just deserts – he got lambasted well into the night.

Beaten into a corner he went on to make the following, ill-judged, tweet hoping that people would see his joke as harmless in comparison to greater evils.

Amazing how a silly locker room joke causes outrage, but songs with expletives air on radio and painting gods naked is art expression.

This from an author who claims to have left his high-profile investment banking job to help the youth of India and bring change to the country.

How can Mr Bhagat help bring change in the country when he doesn’t even understand the country’s own heritage? Does he mean to say that ancient Indian’s did not paint gods and goddesses in the nude? Did 19th century Indian print artists not make sexually explicit prints of gods in India? Does he mean to say that Tantric Buddhists and Hindus should cause outrage? His motivations are purely right-wing driven; his anti-women stance, his anti-art barbs, his imploring a mass murderer to join National politics and give the country a “good leader”!

I have never followed this self-righteous twit on twitter and I implore you to follow my lead. If you wish to receive better, more honest tweets about this literary nobody (admittedly I read and enjoyed Five-point Someone for the story) follow Satan Bhagat instead.

With the Nation’s media in Haridwar, Kannedhara rises: A Photo-essay

While the national media falls over itself to cover the Baba Ramdev fast/protest/jamboree a far more important event unfolds in Andhra Pradesh. The Kannedhara hills have been usurped illegally by a minister’s son to mine granite. Not willing to be swept aside along with their homes, the people of the region rose up in protest walking for three days in order to seek an audience with the Andra Chief Minister. After much abuse by the administration they managed to get an appointment with him only to be arrested on shaky grounds half an hour before the meeting.

While the local media covers the rise of the granite mafia, why are no questions being asked of the administration. With the exception of The Hindu, where is the over zealous national media? Does lack of glamour mean lack of a story?

These singers don't sway to the electro-fusion tunes of NDTV

The Police: first as friend, then as foe?

Can this be their red-letter day?

Who needs national ID?

Dear Baba Ramdev, these women wont flee from the police.

Police blockade and negotiations

While the CM inaugurates a swanky new Hospital, the protesters are forced to seek shelter in a half constructed CPM office

The Final Solution: The police arrest the protesters half an hour before the meeting with the CM and detain them away from the venue of the meeting

While the text of this photo-essay is mine, the photographs come courtesy of my friend Pelican Briefcase. Please visit her blog and read about the amazing people that endure severe atrocities in India in the name of progress.

Goodbye M.F. Husain

Mahabharata

As the monsoon returns to Bombay for another year, one of her favourite sons has had his return put off in perpetuity. M.F. Husain, the most famous and prolific artist of his generation has passed away in London. Living in exile, because of the misplaced prudishness of others, he has joined a great but melancholy list of names that were forced away from their homelands, never to return, because of the temporal politics of their time.

Horses - one of Husain's favourite themes

M.F. Husain has often been likened to Picasso and is often called the Picasso of India. He was, however, much more than an Indian version of the great Spanish painter. Much like Picasso, Husain had his own signature style that could not be mistaken for anyone other than him. While the structure of his work may seem to be derivative of Picasso it was actually a synthesis of western modernism with Indian flavor or rasa (nectar) as Indian art historians are known to call Indianess in art. In fact in the modern world only one other artist has been able to formulate his own style, though in the more traditional Bengal School frame, that derived from Indianess – Jamini Roy.

Bharat Bhagya Vidhata - the TIFR Mural

Finally back to the topic of his exile. M.F. Husain held the idea of India dear. He had the privilege to paint the mural that overlooked the lobby of the Tata Institute of Fundamental Research (TIFR), a pillar of Nehru’s Modern Indian vision. Sadly it was a painting of Bharatmata that led him to his exile from her. Today I choose to remember him by reproducing below the very painting that led him to come in conflict with right-wing Hindu Fundamentalists.

Bharatmata (Mother India)